Crew Notebook: Crew Vs. Dallas Burn
by Steve Sirk, Columbus Wired Columnist
After all that unsettling stuff I wrote last week that exposed a
vast international conspiracy
http://www.columbuswired.net/Crew/TheExFiles_091003.htm,
I honestly thought I’d never live to do another notebook. But
come Saturday, I was alive and well (for the time being), although
I did get a bit nervous when I walked into the Crew locker room
and heard Duncan Oughton announce, “Dead man walking!”
Anyway, Saturday’s game was one of those very
special games that the media feasts upon: a game in which a
popular player or coach returns to face his former team. This
week’s Monday Night Football game was a perfect example, in which
Cowboys coach Bill Parcells returned to New Jersey to face the
Giants, a team he coached at least three heart attacks ago. And
just wait until Emmitt Smith returns to Dallas. And since all of
these storylines must somehow involve Big D, it is time for me to
shamelessly exploit the easy storyline of Brian Dunseth returning
to Crew Stadium as a member of the Dallas Burn.
I believe the proper sportswriter way to
summarize this game would be as follows: Brian Dunseth’s Former
Team defeated Brian Dunseth’s Current Team 3-2 at Brian Dunseth’s
Former Home Stadium, thanks in large part to a pair of goals by
Brian Dunseth’s Former Teammate Edson Buddle.
(I don’t mean to show off, but it’s brilliant
writing like that that is going to land me a reporting gig at that
Emmitt Smith game against the Cowboys.)
Edson Buddle: Freak
Edson Buddle continued his freakish scoring
binge, netting the Crew’s first goal and the game-winner. Easily
man of the match.
In the 28th minute, Buddle tied
the game at 1-1 when he roofed a low cross from Ross Paule.
Buddle barged through the gut of the Dallas defense and popped a
shot into the top netting from six yards out. “Ross played a good
ball, hard and low,” he said. “I fought my defender off and put it
in the net.”
In the 81st minute, with the score
knotted at 2-2, the Crew desperately needed a hero. The quickness
of play bogged down in the second half. They had conceded a bad
equalizer in the 52nd minute. The out of town
scoreboard was not delivering good news. And then it happened….a
goal of genuine greatness.
From the left flank, Brian West floated a
cross to the far side of the area. “We had a ton of guys in the
box, so it was just a matter of picking out someone,” said West.
“I saw someone streaking at the far post.”
That someone was Edson Buddle. With the
cross seemingly out of reach, Buddle turned on the jets, swung his
right leg between the legs of the Burn’s Eddie Johnson, and
connected on a volley that beat Dallas goalie D.J. Countess to the
far post. (Does it count as a nutmeg if it’s your leg that splits
the defender’s legs as you shoot?)
“It was one of the few times in the second
half that we moved the ball around and showed some patience,” said
Crew coach Greg Andrulis. “It was a great ball by Westie. You have
to have the desire to fight for every ball in the box, and Edson
has it. That wasn’t an easy ball, so you have to give him a lot of
credit.”
“It was a great ball by Brian West,” said
Buddle. “I just tried to hit it hard. It wasn’t an easy finish,
but all that matters is that when you look at the sheet, it says
it’s a goal.”
“Eddie put a great finish on it,” marveled
West. “I thought he was going to redirect it across the box, not
put it in the net like he did. He’s a great finisher.”
Dallas coach (now ex-coach) Mike Jeffries was
asked how he gameplanned to stop Buddle. “It obviously didn’t work
well enough,” he said.
Westie’s Other Assist
Brian West had quite a game himself. He also
assisted on the Crew’s second goal, which gave the Black & Gold a
2-1 halftime lead. In the 39th minute, West possessed
the ball deep in the left channel. Brian McBride found himself
open in the Dallas box, but West didn’t see him before Dunseth
closed down the opportunity. West pulled the ball back out, which
gave McBride a chance to cheat toward the middle and slip away
from Dunseth. West didn’t miss McBride this time, the result
being a beautifully redirected diving header that found the side
netting.
“I
take full responsibility for the Crew’s second goal,” said Dunseth.
“I was tight with Brian and then released because I was worried
about Paule making a back post run.”
“On the whole, I think we did a lot of the
things we set out to do,” said Jeffries. “But we weren’t as tough
defensively and didn’t get close enough to guys and gave away some
crosses on the last couple goals. The thing that hurt us today is
we didn’t stick with runners on crosses.”
Yup.
Put A Cinder Block On The Accelerator
After taking a 2-1 lead in a generally
impressive opening 45 minutes, the Crew sputtered through much of
the second half. It’s a trend that Andrulis says needs to be
reversed.
“I think in general, I think we have problems
handling prosperity,” he said. “Getting ahead and then taking our
foot off the gas was a problem. We talked at halftime about moving
the ball and playing one and two touch. But what you saw was that
when the ball got on one person’s foot, it would stay there. There
wasn’t as much movement. I think we got satisfied instead of going
for the jugular. It’s something we talked about at halftime, but
obviously we need to get better. We can’t keep letting teams back
into the game.”
EJ vs 108
In one of the greatest player vs. crowd
battles in recent Crew memory, Dallas forward Eddie Johnson had
several heated exchanges with the fans in section 108. It all
started when Johnson muffed an empty net opportunity after
dribbling around Crew goalkeeper Jon Busch in the 37th
minute. With 192 square feet of undefended goal to shoot at,
Johnson hit the outside of the net. The fans in 108 ragged him
mercilessly, which prompted Johnson to scream back at the crowd
whenever he was within earshot.
In the 52nd minute, Johnson beat
Busch with a low shot into the north goal to tie the score.
Johnson took off his shirt and sprinted south to section 108 to
tell the fans all about it. His teammates had to pull him away so
the game could resume.
I never made out exactly what was said, but
that level of chirpiness from the field is uncommon. I joked that
EJ was about to go Ty Cobb on someone. Kudos to the fans in 108,
who got the last laugh when Buddle buried the game-winning goal.
Dunny’s Goal
First, let’s set the stage. On Thursday, I
received an email from Dunseth that concluded, “See you Saturday.
And if I score by chance? Be ready. I hope I didn’t jinx myself.”
Mr. Two Goals In Seven Years was talking about scoring a goal? I
laughed until I cried, and I cried until I got the hiccups, and I
hiccupped until I pinched my nose and took twenty consecutive
gulps of water.
Before the game, he again got all daydreamy
and brought up the prospects of scoring a goal. I thought to
myself, “This guy is a certifiable loon. This is almost as
laughable as Jamal Lewis guaranteeing to set the NFL’s single-game
rushing record against the Browns tomorrow.” Instead, I told him
he could only score a goal if it was 4-0 Crew at the time. He’s a
nice guy and all, but business is business, and the Crew needed a
win.
And that was that. Dunny was obviously so
overwhelmed by the prospect of facing his former team that he had
completely lost his marbles.
Or had he? In the stuff that bad movie
scripts are made of, Dunseth staked the Burn to a 1-0 lead in the
15th minute, burying a header off of a Toni Nhlecko
cross. The goal was then followed by a ridiculous celebration in
which Dunseth did the Roy Lassiter airplane thing all the way to
the scorers table, where she showed his back to the Crew bench,
raised his hands over his shoulders, and pointed to his last name
on the back of his jersey with his thumbs.
This, understandably, was not well received
by many of those in attendance. “I hope the fans don’t think that
celebration was geared toward them,” said Dunseth. “The fans of
Columbus have meant the world to me for the past two years, both
on and off the field. Scoring that goal was very emotional for me
and the celebration was a spontaneous act that was not meant to
have any negative intentions toward the fans.”
While most fans seemed annoyed by his
celebration, there were a few misguided souls who cheered
Dunseth’s goal, despite the fact it put the home team down a goal
in a crucial game.
“To be honest, at first I didn’t hear
anything at all right after the goal,” Dunny said. “I still have
no idea what I was doing that high during the run of play. I made
a run for some dumb reason and it paid off. But then I noticed
some people in the crowd were cheering the goal, and I remember
thinking it was really weird since I was playing for the enemy.”
While a bit confused by some of the in-game
cheering, Dunny was overwhelmed by his pre-game welcome. “The
reception that was given to me was amazing, and one I wasn’t ready
for,” he said. “I truly appreciate all of the applause and
constant support. It shows what a class act the Columbus fans
are.”
More Reaction To Dunny’s Goal
With the result in hand, Crew coach Greg
Andrulis graciously accepted Dunseth’s emotional reaction the
goal. “Good for him,” he said. “And I mean that seriously. He’s a
great guy and I know it was very emotional for him. It was a
freakin’ terrific goal too. Good for him. And it’s good for us
that we got three points, so everybody’s happy.”
Oughton had some issues with the
celebration. “What was that celebration, by the way?” he asked.
“What a nugget. He told me he had this awesome celebration, so I
don’t know whether he forgot to do it, or if he mistakenly thought
that what he did was awesome. It was a great goal, but the
celebration left a little to be desired. It was a weird looking
airplane too. It looked more like the Titanic going down, if you
ask me.”
Dunny seemed insulted when I told him I
couldn’t believe he called his shot. But he was quick to point
out that he didn’t actually forecast the goal. “I didn’t make a
prediction. I just said aloud how awesome it would be.”
“Whatever,” I replied. “Just the fact that
you were entertaining the notion of scoring, and brought it up
twice to me this week, is enough of a prediction for someone of
your goal-scoring history. Even if you didn’t come right out and
declare you were going to score, you seemed rather fixated on the
topic for some odd reason. It was like Abraham Lincoln vividly
dreaming of his own funeral before he got shot, except with a
happier ending for the dreamer.”
Well, unless you count the scoreboard.
Edson Seeks A Shout Out From Commentator-For-Life
All professional athletes have the extra
special something…that inner drive that pushes them to attain the
highest levels of excellence. There are any number of things that
can fuel this competitive drive, and for Edson Buddle, it’s the
hope of hearing former teammate John Harkes givin’ him props on
Fox Sports World. Now that Harkes is back from filming the movie
version of The Game of Their Lives, Buddle was hoping to
hear those five magic words: ‘Fantastic stuff from Edson Buddle.’
“For the three months I was out injured, I
really got into MLS Wrap,” said Buddle. “John Harkes does a good
job and I watch the show every week. He’s been on that movie, so
he hasn’t been around lately because he’s gone Hollywood now, but
maybe tonight he’ll say ‘fantastic stuff.’ He’s from Jersey, I’m
from New York, so we’re down. He’s a good guy.”
The Joke’s On Ross
Before the game, Dunny relayed the following
story:
“I decided to have some fun, to keep it real,
so I called Ross Paule. I said, ‘Ross? This is Johnny Johansson
from the Columbus Dispatch. I got your number from Jeff Wuerth,
the PR guy. Sorry to be callin’ so late, but there’s an article
I’m doing that’s pretty much about your relationship with Brian
Dunseth, and what a close-knit family you guys were. We were
talkin’ in the newsroom that it would probably be very awkward for
you to line up against your good buddy.’
“So he starts going on for three or four
minutes and I’m trying so hard not to laugh. When he was done, I
said, ‘Well, you guys are about two points ahead of the New
England Revoloosheeonays for the last playoff spot. How do you see
that working out?’
“So then he starts talking about that, and
I’m dying. I’m absolutely dying. When he was done answering, I
pulled myself together and said, ‘What is it going to be like for
the team welcoming a new defender from Northern Ireland? Is it
difficult to integrate a new player this late in the season?’
“So he starts saying, ‘No no no, it’ll be
good’, but after stringing him along that far, I finally lost it.
I couldn’t take it anymore. He got confused and wanted to know
what was so funny, and I said, ‘It’s me! Dunny!’ Then he called me
a bunch of nasty names.”
I noted that every time he makes a prank
phone call, he always seems to be Johnny Johansson.
“Who’s going to doubt a guy named Johnny
Johansson?” he asked.
Apparently not Ross Paule. Or his own mother.
Pre-Game Comments: Duncan Oughton
Oughton seemed levelheaded at the prospect of
encountering his good friend on the field. “I’ve faced him before
with New England and Miami, so it’ll be just like those times,” he
said. “He has been talking a lot of rubbish all week, so we’ll see
what happens. I wish the best for him, but I hope we spank the
life out of them today.”
The Kiwi paused for a moment. “Dunny’d
probably enjoy a good spanking, actually, but that’s not what I
meant.”
Tent Talk
After the game, outside the tent, Duncan was
given M&Ms by two young girls, identified as “Crewfan2013” and
“Duncsahunk08.” As far as I know, these are not their real names.
Anyway, Duncan offered to share the M&Ms with them because, let’s
be honest, that chocoholic mouse is not to be messed with. Then
Crewfan2013 got to talk to Dunseth on Duncan’s cellphone, although
Dunny just assumed Duncan was wearing his pants too tight again.
When it was all over, I was asked if I could
mention Crewfan2013 and Duncsahunk08 in the notebook. Oughton
said, “Yeah, say we hung out with Duncsahunk08 and
Dunsethsagirl13.”
And then the girls’ hot mom, who was hot,
said, “Don’t forget to mention their hot mom too!”
(This section was put in here specifically
for Matchnight forums poster Timon, who just can’t get enough
teenybopper anecdotes. “Gimme the real scoop Sirk,” he has been
known to write to me. “Anyone can spout off about a player
encounter on a message board, but until I read it in an infallibly
accurate internet story, it’s all just rumor and hearsay. Did they
really share M&Ms? Did they really talk to Dunny on the phone? Is
the whole thing true, or just a young girl’s harmless fantasy? I
simply MUST know!” You’ve now read the official scoop, Timon, and
it’s all true. Sleep well, my friend. Sleep well.)
Must See TV
With the recent news reports that Dunseth is
renting his house to developmental players Jeff Matteo, Michael
Ueltschey and Michael Ritch, my buddy Flick decreed that the
scenario “could be an NBC sitcom.”
Never the type of people to let go of stupid ideas, Flick and I
quickly fleshed out the first six episodes of the show, since six
episodes is the standard order for a new series. Our show
currently has a working title of either “Brian’s Boarders” or
“Dunny’s Digs.” If any network TV executives are reading right
now, it is my totally biased opinion that this show would make a
terrific midseason replacement for when all of your new shows suck
yet again.
Here are the plot lines for the initial six-episode order…
EPISODE ONE: The boys, benefiting from the fact that Dunny never
changed the phone number before he left town, get bombarded with
lurid phone calls from available women. After watching the movie
Sneakers, the boys are inspired by the forgery of the oral
passport, so they repeatedly call Dunny and attempt to steer the
recorded conversations toward words they can edit together to use
as a fake answering machine message, so chicks will still think
Dunny lives there, and therefore keep calling. But the boys learn
a scary lesson that not all female stalkers are good. Oh the
hijinks!
EPISODE TWO: After another series of late night drive-bys by
“Dunny’s Honeys”, the boys engage in a game of rock paper scissors
to determine who has to shovel the women’s undergarments off of
the driveway so they can get to Obetz for practice. Ueltschey’s
girlfriend makes a surprise visit, sees all of the undergarments
piled up, and gets very suspicious as to what’s been going on at
her boyfriend’s house. An innocent man caught in a dire “it’s not
what it looks like, honest” situation, Ueltschey convinces Matteo
and Ritch to help him out by pretending they are his new female
roommates, Jess and Michelle. This episode will be a hit with
those who loved Bosom Buddies!
EPISODE THREE: The boys receive a call from Johnny Johansson of
the Franklin County prosecutor’s office. Mr. Johansson informs the
boys that the residence is currently violating code, and that they
are subject to heavy fines and imprisonment unless the lawn is
landscaped, the house is painted, and a new deck is built out back
within two weeks. When they guys say they’ll call their landlord,
who is currently out of town, Mr. Johansson informs them that
according to city ordinance 9744.135.4572.25793A, it is the
tenant, not the landlord, who is legally responsible for
residential code compliance. Watch as the boys scramble to stay on
the good side of the law! (I won’t ruin the ultra-hilarious
surprise ending that all of America will be talking about!)
EPISODE FOUR: Tired of subsisting on a steady diet of ramen
noodles and microwave burritos, the boys begin posting on the
Matchnight forums as Dunseth, encouraging Dunny’s Honeys to bake
cookies, cakes and other assorted sweets and to leave them on the
front porch for him. In order to convince Dunny’s Honeys that
Dunseth still lives there, the boys pull off Home Alone-style
shenanigans, such as attaching a cardboard cutout of Dunseth to a
turntable or a model train to make it look like he is dancing. But
when a jilted ex-boyfriend of one of Dunny’s Honeys comes seeking
vengeance, the plan backfires, so the boys must used McCauley
Culkin-like ingenuity to fend off the violent intruder!
EPISODE FIVE: When the UPS man ignores the forwarding instructions
and inadvertently delivers a large shipment of hair care products
to Dunny’s Digs, the boys have a grand time mussing their hair
with Pomade, dancing around to Britney Spears videos on MTV,
gazing at their reflections in the mirror, telling New Zealand
jokes, and otherwise “playing Dunny.” But UH-OH, there’s an
unannounced visit from the landlord! And not only has Dunseth
walked in on their little party, but there are some shoes that
haven’t been neatly placed by the door and there’s an unwashed
glass in the sink. The boys sure have some ‘splainin’ to do!
EPISODE SIX: Having trouble coming up with their “Dunny Money”,
the boys are visited by two no-nonsense debt-collectors named
“Duncs” and “Chaddy.” The funny talkin’ one named Duncs informs
the boys that unless they come up with the rent money by Friday,
his friend Chaddy would be back. The boys become unnerved when
they notice that Chaddy talks to his shoes, and that he’s
muttering to his feet that come Friday, they may have to pay a
visit to the inside of three rear ends. Hilarity ensues as the
boys take on a series of odd jobs to save their hides!
As you can see, Flick & I are executive producer material. The
beauty of it is, Duncs & Chaddy have spin-off potential, so
between the two series, we can probably deliver 15 years of
ratings dominance. Let the lucrative network bidding wars begin!
And On A Sad Note…
With the announcement of WUSA’s folding, I
immediately thought of three ex-Crew staffers. Eddie Rockwell,
Rob Crockett and Todd Adams are all great guys, and here’s hoping
they land on their feet soon. With MLS expansion on the horizon,
perhaps our paths will cross again sooner rather than later. Best
wishes to all.
Questions? Comments? Know of a network
television executive looking to invest millions of dollars in a
development deal for surefire television hit? Feel free to write
at sirk@ColumbusWired.net
or Sirk@thecrew.com
