The Bland Leading the Bland
Dallas coach Mike Jeffries wasn’t exactly doing cartwheels
over his team’s stultifying performance, but then again, cartwheels would
require a bit of creativity and daring.
“After the last few games
for us, coming out 0-0 is not a victory, but is a little bit of a moral
victory,” he said. “I thought maybe we didn’t quite do enough at the end to get
a win, but for our team at this point, it was an important baby step.”
So how about some reasons
for slipping that turd into the Crew Stadium punch bowl?
“Fatigue was a problem,” he offered. “And then having a big
field and a warm night made it important that we play a bit more
conservatively. I didn’t feel it was a game where we’d have the legs to run up
and down the field for 90 minutes. I think we would have had some problems due
to having three games in eight days.”
Oh well. When your team’s on the skids, ya gotta do what ya
gotta do, no matter how miserable it makes you.
“I was pleased with the way we performed tonight.”
Wow. Things are worse than I thought in the Land of the
Jalapeno Horse.
Andrulis Deflated
Whereas Jeffries appeared vaguely pleased with the match,
Crew coach Greg Andrulis had a markedly different reaction. Big Greg looked as
if someone kicked him in the groin or shot his dog. Or maybe kicked his dog in
the groin and then shot it.
“I think we were a little
off offensively,” he lamented. “The passes were a little bit behind and not
sharp enough. We weren’t sharp enough to take advantage of the way they
defended. The final corner kick was the way the whole game went—so close, yet
so far. We had some chances in the first half. I don’t really remember any in
the second half. That’s the way it goes sometimes.”
Against a bunker defense,
you can’t help but feel for a coach who can only dream of rolling out Kyle
Martino, Edson Buddle, Ross Paule and a healthy Jeff Cunningham—all of them the
type of players that could be effective in tight spaces against such a
defensive scheme. But alas, they were not at the coach’s disposal due to
injury. Maddening, I’m sure.
Cunningham did enter the
game as a late substitute, despite being listed as doubtful with a hamstring
strain.
“We didn’t really want to
use him, but they were bunkered in so we knew he wouldn’t have to sprint,” said
Andrulis. “It was just a matter of getting him in to tight spaces, and he
almost got through a couple of times. We talked to him at halftime and he said
he was good if we needed him. We talked to him again when we made the Freddy
Garcia sub and he said he was ready to go. We knew he would not do the things
that would make it risky. He never opened it up tonight. There are certain
environments where he can still be used, and tonight was one of them.”
Players Frustrated
To a man, Crew players expressed frustration at not
being able to bust the Dallas bunker.
“It’s hard to play against
a team that drops back like that, especially for a team like us since we have
the speed to get behind defenses,” said defender Brian Dunseth. “They were
pretty much playing on their 18. Half chances and shots was what it was going
to take tonight. All credit to them. They kept the zero.”
“They’ve played a lot of
games and they’re on the road, so they’re going to put a lot of people behind
the ball and make us crack their shell,” said midfielder Brian Masionneuve.
“Early on, we had a couple of decent chances. If we put one of those away, we
make them come out and play a little bit more. It would have been a different
game.”
Could’ve Made A
Difference (Good)
The Crew had three good
opportunities to score. The first
occurred in the 25th minute when Brian West sent Brian McBride
through just to the right of goal. Once
inside the box, McBride opted to pass instead of shoot. The Dallas defense
broke up McBride’s pass, but the rebound went to Diego Walsh, whose shot on
goal was deflected wide by the hip/thigh of Dallas defender Shavar Thomas.
In the 32nd minute, McBride ripped a bicycle kick that
was blocked by the defense. The rebound
bounced out toward Dunseth, who had his back to goal. Without leaving his feet,
Dunseth kicked the ball back over his own head, forcing Cassar make a
spectacular save to tip the ball over the bar.
Not bad for a bicycle kick with a kickstand. No wonder the teenage girls
still like McBride better.
“As for the bicycle kick
with a kickstand, I'd like to think it was more of a bicycle kick with a flat tire,”
Dunseth corrected. “You know you want to jump, but it's probably a better
idea to stay on the ground at all cost considering the pain and embarrassment
that you might feel if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to. I'm no
Marcelo Balboa.”
The Crew’s last golden
chance would occur in the final minute of overtime, when Freddy Garcia’s corner
kick met the head of Brian Maisonneuve and then whistled past the far
post.
“Freddy put in a great
ball,” said Mais. “I got a lot on it. I went to far to the post. I should have
at least forced Cassar to make a save. I thought it was going to squeak in
there. I would love, love, LOVE to have that one back.”
Could’ve Made A Difference (Bad)
The Burn only had two
adventuresome forays into the Crew end all evening, and one of them was a gift
from the Crew. In the 86th minute, Dunseth, under no duress
whatsoever, inexplicably kicked the ball to the Burn’s Philip Salyer deep in
Crew territory. Thankfully the mess was
cleaned up without incident.
“That’s what’s called a
donkey touch,” said Dunseth, shivering at the memory. “That’s the one thing you never want to happen in the 86th
minute of a 0-0 game. I just turned and tried to play Chad really quick. I
don’t even think it took a bad hop. I think I just kicked it with my ankle.”
Then, in stoppage time,
the Burn almost stole the game off of a double deflection on a Jason Kreis free
kick. Presthus, going low to his right, was able to hold himself up just enough
to get a paw on the ball as it caromed back behind him to his left.
“I was expecting a good
strike from Jason and I was expecting to make a save,” he said. “I was trying
to keep myself focused on the ball, and fortunately it took a bounce that I was
still able to deal with. After the first deflection, it looked like it was
going low, and then it hit Bobby Rhine. I just tried to hold my body up. I’m
sure it looked a lot more dramatic than what I was going through. I really
didn’t have time to think about it.”
More on Dunseth’s
Donkey Touch
When discussing his
boneheaded donkey touch, Dunseth wasted no time in somehow linking it to his
good buddy Duncan Oughton.
“By hitting it with my
ankle, I was taking a page out Duncan’s book, since he has a club foot,” he
said. “I don’t have a club foot so it didn’t go where I wanted it to go. If
that was Duncan, it would have been a perfect pass and it would have gone right
to Chaddy’s right foot and we would have gone out the other side. But that’s my
fault though. It was a total donkey touch.”
Brian Maisonneuve:
Total Professional
Ask anyone in the locker
room and they’ll tell you that Brian Maisonneuve is the consummate
professional. He trains like a professional. He conducts himself like a
professional. Heck, he even fouls like a professional, as evidenced by several
shirt pulls that served as sticks in the spokes of the Dallas counterattack.
“They were doing a good
job of sitting back, so when we threw numbers forward, they wanted to
counterattack,” said Mais. “In the midfield, you have to stop the counter, so
whether that’s winning the ball, or sometimes unfortunately you don’t get the
ball and need to commit a professional foul. I only did one or two. (Pause.)
Maybe three at the most. But you’ve got to stop the counterattack. When Jay (Jason Kreis) has the ball, the
last thing you want him to be able to do is pick up his head and pick out
runners.”
Mais even justifies like a
professional: “I came close to the ball at least.”
The Kiwi Rifle
With Freddy Garcia on the
bench to start the game, Oughton found himself in the role of the Crew’s main
corner kick taker for the evening. So how did it feel to be Robert Warzycha for
a day?
“Definitely not Robert
Warzycha,” he said. “There were a few tonight that were okay. I’m trying to
learn from Robert Warzycha because he whips in great corners. There was maybe
one in there that I think he may have been proud of.”
Farewell To Danny
Crew defender Daniel
Torres played his final match for the Black & Gold. For personal and
spiritual reasons, he will be returning to his former club Saprissa in his
native Costa Rica.
“As we said in the locker
room, sometimes you meet people who touch you in special ways,” said Andrulis.
“Daniel was a good soccer player, but he's an absolutely terrific person and he
touched a lot of us, and a lot of people in the community, in a very special
way. We’re going to miss him.”
The lead up to his
farewell match was tough for Torres to take. “I almost told the coach at the
end of the week that I wasn’t ready to play emotionally,” he confessed. “I was
feeling sad to leave. I didn’t know if I was going to be emotionally able to
play. But I didn’t want to disappoint the team today when they needed me.”
“Everything is good here,” he continued. “I know when I go
back home that I am not going to have the conditions that I have here in
Columbus. Having said all that, this is something that I have to do. My
decision was really hard to make. It’s not easy to leave all my friends, my
family here in Columbus, and my teammates, who are my family too. But at the
same time, I have to be obedient and I’m trying to do what God wants me to do.
I feel that this is what he wants me to do right now.”
Like most players who have come through Columbus over the
years, Danny’s departure doesn’t mean he’ll stop being a Crew fan. “I will be
following the Crew for sure. I do not want to play for any other team here in
America. I love Columbus. This is my city. I love it. I will be tracking the
performances no matter what.”
I asked the emotional Torres if he had any parting words for
the fans.
“Only that I am really thankful. I really appreciate the support I always had from them. I’m going
to miss being here. I want to let them know that I am not doing this for money
or anything like that. I’m really thankful. I’m really, really thankful. Thank
you Columbus.”
Open Cup Rings
Before the game, Crew
President & General Manager Jim Smith presented the members of the 2002 US
Open Cup championship squad with their championship rings.
As I did postgame
interviews, Brian Dunseth would casually sneak up behind me, place his hand on
my shoulder, and then wiggle his ring around in my periphery while asking aloud
if anyone had seen a champion around here.
Meanwhile, Duncan Oughton
struggled mightily to get his ring on his finger, despite the fact that all the
players had their fingers sized. Once he succeeded in jamming it on, he came to
the realization he’d never get it off.
“How do you think this
would look tattooed on the side of your head if you ask me any dumb questions?”
he asked while menacingly showing me his ringed fist.
Pressing my luck, I asked
him how much he thought his ring would sell for on eBay.
“A Duncan Oughton one? Not
much! Probably about as much as a Dante Washington ring. Fifty-five
cents.” (It goes without saying, based
on past market trends, that a Brian Dunseth ring would go for at least $510.)
Dunseth, who could easily
slide his ring on and off his finger, was quite amused by Duncan’s
struggles. I asked Dunny if Duncan’s
chocoholism played a role in the Kiwi’s bloated digits.
“No, it’s not the
chocolate,” he said. “He likes his meals though. Like they say, some people are
five meals ahead and ten (poops) behind.”
I then suggested that
maybe the lethal amounts of sodium contained in Vegemite might be the culprit.
“Yeah, he’s retaining
water,” he said. “We should get him some pills.”
Career Milestones: Mike
Clark
Little did they know it
while watching the game, but Crew fans in attendance got to see a bit of
history on Saturday. Crew defender Mike Clark was whistled for offside in the
first half. It was the 15th offside call in Clark’s eight-year
career, making him only the few-hundredth player in MLS history to reach that
lofty plateau. Sadly, in all violence
to tradition, honor and class, the game was not stopped so that Clarkie could
be presented with the historic linesman’s flag.
Dunseth,
who has an opinion on everything, had this to say about Clark’s first offside
violation of the year. “It's been awhile since Clarkie has played out there in
the ‘foreign land’ of outside backs. His offside was a combination of referee
vision, or a lack thereof, and his burning desire to pay homage to David
Beckham. Plus, dragging those thankles around can cause major fatigue,
making it hard to get back.”
With his 15th
career offside call, Clark inched ever closer to the Crew’s all-time offside
leader, Jeff Cunningham, who stalled at 131. If Cunningham never draws another
flag, Clark is on pace to break Cunningham’s record in July of 2061. And people thought the two-decade buildup to
Cal Ripken’s iron man record was exciting.
Long Sleeves In Summer
Despite a game time
temperature hovering steadily at “too effin’ hot”, Dunseth took the field in
his customary long sleeves. Afterwards,
I asked Dunny about it and explained that my motives were not pure. As a fellow
long-sleeves-in-summer player, I had caught a lot of grief during my Wednesday
night game, which was equally as hot.
“So now you’re going to
give me crap,” he mumbled. “People pick on you and now you’re going to pick on
me. I’m seeing the circle here. (Bad name.)”
I explained that I wear
long sleeves because when I wipe my forehead with my arm in the middle of the
game, it works a lot better with a sleeve than with my sweaty arm, which just
gets sweat in my eyes anyway. Turns out Dunny doesn’t even have a practical reason
for it.
“It’s more of a habit for
me,” he said. “It’s just routine. The day I went to short sleeves we got killed
3-0 in DC, so I figured it was probably a good idea to stick to long sleeves.
That’s why I have a little fur patch now too. (Rubbing the bottom of his chin.)
I had it last week and we won. We haven’t given up a goal yet since I’ve grown
it.”
Cleveland and the Crew
There has been much
speculation on the prospect of Cleveland landing an MLS expansion team. Former Cleveland Force owner Bart Wolstein
is taking a long hard look at the feasibility of joining MLS and building a
stadium somewhere in the Greater Cleveland area. (Just this week, my hometown
of Euclid became the latest city to throw its hat into the Cleveland MLS
stadium sweepstakes.) Since it’s been a topic of debate on the message boards,
I asked Smith for his thoughts about the possibility of a second Ohio team and
any effect it might have on the Crew.
“No question it would be a
good thing to have an in-state rival where each area can create a dedicated fan
base,” said Smith. “They can come down for the Ohio derby. I don’t think
there’s any question that that would be the best.”
The Crew’s own data
suggests a Cleveland team would have little to no impact on attendance, since
most of the Crew’s fan base is from Central and Southwest Ohio.
“It’s a small percentage
coming from Northeast Ohio,” he said. “And it’s not like they’re coming every
game. Most fans from that area come to a few games, so we’re going to catch all
those same Cleveland folks twice a year when they come down to see their team
play the Crew in the state rival games.”
Smith feels that having a
rival on the North Coast would be a boon for his club. “From a business
standpoint, it’s not a bad thing at all. It expands the presence of Major
League Soccer in our state, which is even better. In aggregate, we’re going to
get more fans out of it, and that’s how I look at it.”
He even had a parting shot
to kick the rivalry off right, just in case it actually happens. “We’ll clearly
dominate that team, so we have nothing to worry about because our team will
always be better.”
New Commercial
Several Crew players, and
Crew Cat, make an appearance in a new milk commercial. The gist of the commercial is that as the
Crew players tout the benefits of drinking milk, Crew Cat drinks all of the
players’ milk, then Dunseth calls Crew Cat a “fur ball”, and then all the
players jump Crew Cat.
Fur ball, huh?
“Yeah, fur ball,” said
Dunseth. “You know, when I turn and I
look and the cat has drunk all the milk…like Kyle says, he needs his three a
day.”
In light of Duncan’s
award-winning performance in the literacy commercial, with his now immortal
line “Oh man, that’s beautiful”, I asked Dunny about Dincan’s line this time
around.
“It’s ‘For strong, healthy
bones!’ They didn’t want to give him
too many lines, but I can’t say anything because they only gave me one word. I
got it on the first take. Edson was
hilarious. He wasn’t feeling his lines. He was just reading them to read them.”
I asked Dunny how he
prepared for the shoot. Did he take the script and practice in the mirror for
hours?
“In terms of preparation,
I looked at it and saw that I had one word. I thought it was pretty easy. I
honestly didn’t look in the mirror this time. Contrary to popular belief, I
don’t look in the mirror that often. (Bad name.)”
I later asked Duncan about
the commercial.
SS: Do
you remember your line from this commercial?
DO: “For
strong, healthy bones!” It’s something that shows good health
consciousness.
Drinking
milk is good for you.
SS: Have you ever made a similar ad for Vegemite?
DO: I wish! Vegemite is good for the heart.
SS: So if
you ate Vegemite and drank milk, you’d have a good heart and strong, healthy
bones.
DO: You would!
You’d run for weeks and you’d never get snapped!
SS: Would
you put Vegemite into a glass of milk and stir it up like Nestle Qwik? Is that
how it would work?
DO: No, I
prefer a glass of milk with a Vegemite sandwich. I think that’s how Dante
prefers it as well. Except with chocolate milk. I think he’s drunk a lot of
chocolate milk in his time.
At Long Last, Another
Crew Cat Interview!!!
After several unsuccessful
attempts over the past month or so, I finally got a chance to catch up with the
Crew’s feline mascot. Crew Cat is always a favorite interview subject of mine,
and this time we touched on the milk commercial and his night life. As always, I am not making this interview
up.
SS: So how
about that new milk commercial. Dunseth turns to the camera and calls you a,
and I’m quoting here, “fur ball.”
CC: I think
that commercial is complete garbage. Dunseth can say it to a camera but he
can’t say it to my face? Bring it to the hole, Dunseth. Bring it.
SS: And
then at the end they jump you, which implies they then proceed to kick your
(butt.)
CC: That would never happen. Tell Dunseth, I like the guy, but
bring it on.
SS: So
they jumped you, but the action quickly went off camera. What happened then?
CC: First
off, I DDT’ed a couple of those guys.
They tackled me, and then it got ugly. Then I showed the boys a few
things. One, I showed them how to play soccer. Two, I told them that I’ll drink
as much milk as I wanna drink. And three, I told them that I’m the only one
that wears double zero, and there’s a reason for it. It’s because I take zero
crap from zero players.
SS: So how ‘bout those new dance moves tonight? Very exotic and
sultry.
CC: Let’s
just say that Crew Cat has been on vacation and I was mixing it up a bit down
south. I picked up some new dance moves. I think the crowd liked them.
SS: I saw some women fanning themselves after you’d finished
CC: I
always tell them they can call double-zero. That’s my number. They can all any
time they want and I’ll take care of them.
SS: That’s your phone number? Zero zero?
CC: Double-zero. Just dial it up and I’ll answer.
SS: So one zero is the operator, but two zeros is Crew Cat?
CC: Yup. Double-zero is Crew Cat. Always was, always will be.
SS: I
didn’t get to talk to you a few weeks ago, but I wanted to ask you about these
other mascots that were here. The zoo had a koala, an eagle and an ostrich out
here. Me and my buddy Flick tried to figure out how it would go if they
accompanied you on a night on the town. We figured the eagle could scout for
women with his eagle eyes. The koala could attract women with his cuddliness,
but he would be asleep 23 hours per day so he’s no threat. And we figured the
ostrich would be harmless because he’d hide as soon as a pretty girl got near
him. Were we right?
CC: That’s
pretty much the way it would go. But Crew Cat, “Smooth Cat”, lines ‘em up and
knocks ‘em down. I’m like a jungle cat. I take care of business.
SS: So you wouldn’t need any of those guys anyway.
CC: I don’t
need a single one of those animals. They’ll just drag me down. I’ll be
babysitting them and I don’t have the time to be babysitting them. Especially
that ostrich. That sucker can go bury his head in the sand for all I care. I’m
out there for one thing. I’m out there to impress and entertain people. That’s
Crew Cat’s job.
Questions? Comments? Already hate a Cleveland team that
doesn’t even exist? Feel free to write at
sirk@columbuswired.net
Columbus Wired's
Steve Sirk is in his sixth season of covering the Columbus Crew, the last four
of which have been spent with the team's official web site,
www.thecrew.com ,
where his post-game notebook articles bafflingly appear alongside legitimate
news and articles of substance.
