MLS Cup Diary
By Steve Sirk, Columbus Wired Columnist

MLS Cup 2003 has finally arrived after an MLS season that spanned nearly eight months. Entire families of crack babies were spawned in the time between the “MLS Cup Preview” of Los Angeles at Columbus on April 5th and the actual MLS Cup between not-LA and not-Columbus on November 23rd. (Going forward, “not-LA” shall be referred to as the “San Jose Earthquakes.” Not-Columbus shall be referred to as the “Chicago Fire.”)

Since my buddy Flick and I had so much fun doing a game diary for the Crew’s dramatic win at D.C. United on October 19th, (http://www.matchnight.com/?Page=ARTICLE&articleid=93) we’ve decided that MLS Cup was deserving of the diary treatment as well. Due to it being a game of monumental importance, we’ve also decided that it is deserving of a “three man booth.” Thus we’ve invited our friend Z-Man, the nefarious numbers-runner from the 107 Hooligans. Z-Man is famous for what Flick & I term “the declarative gambit.” That is, he is famous for starting conversations by making absolute declarations. If Z is standing next to someone wearing a concert t-shirt, his idea of a conversation starter is “Your taste in music is atrocious.” Z is a man of many opinions, all of which are indisputable fact. He will make a fine addition, especially since I don’t envision Flick being nearly as combustible as he was during the Crew-DC game, which had a passionate rooting interest.

(I watch many games on the Shootout with Z. A fine Z-Man moment that immediately leaps to mind is when an announcer said a linesman was guilty of a late flag and waited “until the last possible moment” to make an offside call, when in fact he raised his flag as soon as the ball was played. Z retorted, “Yeah, he raised his flag at the last possible moment…for it still to be considered instantaneous.” If only I could accurately convey the patronizingly matter-of-fact tone with which this was said.)

Anyway, to round out our coverage, roving reporters Brian Dunseth, Duncan Oughton and Dante Washington will be calling in from the Home Depot Center. Good times.

****

Pre-Game

As I drive to Flick’s house, I am struck by the notion that many of the recent title clashes in pro sports have had themes. The last Super Bowl (Buccaneers vs. Raiders) was the Battle of Seafaring Marauders. The last NBA Final (Spurs vs. Nets) was the Battle of ABA Franchises. The last Stanley Cup (Devils vs. Mighty Ducks) was the Battle of Mickey Mouse Organizations. (Wayne Gretzky once called the Devils “a Mickey Mouse organization.” The Mighty Ducks are the most insipid Disney corporate tie-in ever.) And while Major League Baseball didn’t get the Battle of the Curses (Cubs vs. Red Sox), it still got a World Series involving the New York Yankees, which automatically made it a Battle of Good vs. Evil.

And now MLS has joined the themed-championship bandwagon with The Battle of Natural Disasters. To my knowledge, this year’s MLS Cup between the San Jose Earthquakes and the Chicago Fire is the first time two natural disasters have ever squared off in a pro sports championship, although the NHL came perilously close the year before last. The Colorado Avalanche were one win away from facing the Carolina Hurricanes in the 2002 Stanley Cup Finals, but suffered a game seven loss to the Detroit Red Wings. The NHL’s loss is MLS’ gain. MLS Cup 2003: The Inaugural Battle of Natural Disasters!

(The 2000 MLS Cup featured the Fire and the Kansas City Wizards, who are named after the Wizard of Oz, a story that is made possible by a Kansas tornado giving that Dorothy chick a non-fatal head wound. Alas, I feel that the Wizards/tornado link is too indirect to qualify.)

Anyway, I arrive at Flick’s and we watch some of the Browns-Steelers game to pass the time before the soccer game. Being an ardent Browns fan, I of course know they will choke at home to the pitiful Steelers, so there is little pleasure to be gained from observing this train wreck. Watching Pittsburgh linebacker Kendrell Bell nearly decapitate Browns running back James Jackson on a goal line stand is a sight to behold though. One of the hardest hits I have ever seen, like a Mark Williams yellow card, only legal.

During a commercial break, 60 Minutes runs a preview that says something along the lines of, “If you didn’t know more Americans watch pornography than professional sports, you might be in for a surprise.”

This riles Flick up. “If you didn’t know more Americans watch pornography than professional sports, you’re a (bleeping) idiot.”

“Can you imagine the ratings if they broadcast porn on national TV?” I ask. “It would blow Super Bowl numbers out of the water! You’d have, like, inflatable doll manufacturers spending $10 million for a 30-second commercial slot. Come to think of it, just like the Super Bowl, the commercials would be an attraction unto themselves.”

“Having a nationally televised Porn Bowl would be awesome,” agrees Flick.

Before Flick & I could fully hash out what the sport of competitive sex might entail, and how the league, and its Porn Bowl, would be structured, the phone rings. It’s Dunny calling in from LA.

“Hey, I’m gonna be in the same suite as Daisy Fuentes,” he says. “I’m going to tell her I loved her work on America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

Flick and I can only imagine what it must be like to be Brian Dunseth. Dunny can trot out lines like that and it doesn’t matter. Heck, he could use that same line on Paris Hilton and it would probably work.

“It must be good to be Brian Dunseth,” says Flick.

Flick’s curiosity is now piqued. Thinking back to Dunny’s notorious goal celebration at Crew Stadium during his first game back with the Dallas Burn, Flick wonders, “If Dunseth scores with Daisy Fuentes, is he going to point to his back?”

***

Z-Man arrives. He has brought some potato chips that he immediately declares to be “fantastic.” This is not open for debate.

***

Duncan Oughton calls in from the stadium. It is now prediction time. Here are the official MLS Cup 2003 predictions:

Sirk- San Jose 2, Chicago 1
Flick- Chicago 2, San Jose 0
Z-Man- Chicago 3, San Jose 2 (“There will be at least two goals by halftime,” he declares.)
Dunny- Chicago 2, San Jose 1 (“Bocanegra will score the winner,” he adds.)
Dante- Chicago 1, San Jose 0
Duncan- “The game will end 2-2, but overtime could go either way.” (Seriously, what kind of prediction is this? I try to press for a winner, but he won’t budge. The guy can’t commit to a 50/50 proposition like picking a winner, yet he feels comfortable predicting a precise 2-2 score? This makes no sense. It’s like a psychic telling a woman she will give birth to identical twins on July 27th, but won’t say if they’ll be boys or girls. New Zealand people are weird. I tell Dunny of Duncan’s reticence at picking a winner and he doesn’t seem surprised. “What did you expect from a guy who comes from Australia’s Canada?”)

So I am the only one picking San Jose. I don’t understand it. It seems to me like the Quakes have some serious playoff mojo going with all of their dramatic comebacks. I just can’t bring myself to pick against them. Then again, I am an idiot.

***
Game On!

3:33pm: Eric Wynalda makes his first on-air appearance. After watching Waldo shred analyst Ty Keough during the Crew-United match a month ago, Flick & I are eagerly awaiting the MLS Cup showdown. Unfortunately, Waldo’s microphone is filled with static and eventually dies out. “Ty has his revenge!” says Flick, who is convinced Keough has preemptively sabotaged Wynalda’s equipment.

3:34pm: Dunny calls in with the breaking news that former Crew midfielder Mario Longo is on the team that won the MLS “Futbolito” 4v4 tournament. I don’t believe him. “I am dead serious,” he says. “Mario Longo is going to be honored at halftime. I’m giving you a scoop!”

3:37pm: Phil Collins appears on the broadcast to promote the game. MLS highlights are now being shown while some wussified Phil Collins music plays. On goal highlights, the ball becomes a sphere of light after it’s shot. “What is this, ABC’s version of the FoxTrax glowing puck?” wonders Flick. “It sucked for hockey too.”

“You know,” I say, “for all of the people who say that soccer is a wussy game for wusses, I’m glad we’ve got Phil Collins to show them what’s up.”

“Yeah,” agrees Z, “this lite rock from a Disney kid’s movie soundtrack is a stroke of genius. Was Peabo Bryson not available?”

With our blood pumping from the sonic fury of Phil Collins’ latest, we are now ready to watch the game. I have been telling anyone who would listen all week that this is going to be the greatest MLS Cup ever. Nobody has offered the slightest disagreement. Everyone feels it’s destined to be a classic. We’re now about to find out…

4th minute: San Jose’s Richard Mulrooney back heels the ball to Jamil Walker at the top of the box. Walker is clipped by Chicago’s Jesse Marsch, setting up a dangerous re-start. “This is all Jeff Agoos,” declares Z.

5th minute: Agoos runs up to the ball and fakes out Chicago by not shooting, causing the wall to move. Ronnie Eklund then steps up and hits a laser beam through the scrambled wall and into the upper corner of the goal. Z-Man takes a bow, although technically Mr. This-Is-All-Jeff-Agoos would have been just as fooled as the Fire by the fake Agoos kick. I let it slide. It’s much too early in the afternoon to turn on one another.

8th minute: Chicago defender Orlando Perez is wearing a headband, like always. “Perez could play for the Cleveland Cavaliers,” I note. “Yeah,” says Flick. “What’s up with the Cavs? I wish it was just LeBron that wore a headband. That would make it so much easier when I flip past the channel but pause for ten seconds. Now I have to learn some of the other people’s names and positions because the headband method is too unreliable.”

9th minute: Chicago has a dangerous free kick of their own, just outside the box, slightly right of center. As Andy Williams and Ante Razov hover over the ball, Ty says something about Williams having a “pure” shot. “Razov’s shot is much too diluted,” Z declares sarcastically. “Yeah,” says Flick. “The last thing you want is a guy who scored 16 goals to shoot the ball.” Razov takes the kick and hits a good low shot that is stopped by Quakes goalie Pat Onstad. “Maybe a little diluted,” says Z.

10th minute: The trivia question seeks the name of the youngest player ever to score a playoff goal in MLS. We’re all in agreement that it has to be Landon Donovan or DaMarcus Beasley. D.C. United has played a lot of very young kids over the past few years, but they haven’t scored a playoff goal since the 1900s, so it’s obviously Baby Jesus or DMB since they are playing in this game. (Turns out it’s DMB.)

11th minute: Razov plays Beasley into space on the left side. DMB streaks in, but rather than shoot, he attempts to square to an onrushing Damani Ralph. Eddie Robinson breaks up the pass. This is Chicago’s third dangerous scoring opportunity, but they have no goals. San Jose has sniffed the goal once and buried their chance. Games like this are dangerous.

13th minute: While awaiting what seems like Chicago’s 200th corner kick of the young game, the camera shows a close up of San Jose’s Canadian goalie Pat Onstad. “He’s sporting the same haircut Jim Lampley used to wear in his American Gladiators days,” declares Z. “Yeah,” says Flick, “but that haircut gets him all the (women) in Saskatchewan.”

15th minute: Razov has a breakaway but is pulled down from behind by Quakes defender Craig Waibel. In an obscure Seinfeld reference, I deem Waibel to be a look-alike for Kramer’s friend Mike, the guy who accused Jerry of being a “phony” and got into the parking space dispute with George. Z agrees.

15th minute: Phone call from Dunny. “If that foul is made by Brian Dunseth, it’s a red card,” he says. I can hear Dante in the background, saying, “If the forward taken down on that breakaway is Dante Washington, it’s no call!” I don’t think to ask what would happen on that play if it were Dunny pulling Dante down until after I hang up. Crap.

(Doing follow-up research, I’ve learned that the Dante Non-Call Factor trumps all. So if Dunny pulled him down, it would still be a no-call. “When we were both with the Crew, we watched film out at Obetz of a previous game when I played for New England,” said Dunny. “I took the ball away from him five times in a row and he rewound the tape each time and claimed I fouled him. Dante is fouled on every single play and he never ever gets a single call, so I’d have to say the play in question would also be a non-call.”)

16th minute: Dunny calls again. “I just wanted to let you know that I am standing 10 feet from Body By Jake. Actually, he kinda looks like Wrinkles By Steroids. Also, that JT kid (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) from Tim the Tool Man Taylor (“Home Improvement”) is here too.”

20th minute: Quakes coach Frank Yallop is being interviewed on the sidelines. Z-Man wonders what type of accent he has, because it sure doesn’t sound Canadian. “It’s English,” I say. “He was born in England and played there for his whole pre-MLS career, but I think he’s got Canadian blood or something so he played for them.”

“Gotcha,” says Z. “Since he was never going to play for England, Canada used some sort of your-grandfather-was-one-eighth-Canadian loophole or something to get him to play for them.”

“Man,” says Flick, “what kind of lame country needs to do that? Canada should be producing their own Prekis and Freddy Adus instead of importing them.”

21st minute: JP says that San Jose’s Brian Ching was “having a career year” before being lost for the year in August with a ruptured Achilles tendon. Flick is annoyed. “He was a rookie this year, so any year was going to be a career year. By definition, a rookie year is always a career year.” (NOTE: Flick was slightly off in this, as Ching did play a whopping 228 minutes spread over parts of 8 games for the Galaxy in 2001, but overall, the point is a valid one.)

22nd minute: Zach Thornton is on the screen, and he’s a big man. I wonder aloud if there is a Body By Zach. “It’s called Krispy Kreme,” says Flick.

24th minute: In a race to the right corner, Mulrooney blows up Ralph with a hard, clean tackle. It was shades of Kendrell Bell on James Jackson from the Browns game. Wow.

25th minute: Razov hits a slow roller right at Onstad. Z thinks maybe Razov’s shot is indeed diluted, earlier joke not withstanding. Flick still thinks Razov is making life too difficult for Onstad. “Maybe Ante should hit lazy chip shots right to Onstad’s chest to save him the bother of having to bend down to pick up those weak-(bleep) shots.”

26th minute: The three of us become obsessed with figuring out what the design in the grass is supposed to be. All we can really make out are lines emanating from either side of the center line that then bend upward. “It looks like a menorah,” says Z.

26th minute: Chicago’s Evan Whitfield fouls Agoos. “Remember when Whitfield had an afro?” asks Flick. “I wish he’d grow it back. The nappy afro was a good look for him.”

27th minute: Since we still can’t figure out the field, I call Dunny to see if the design makes sense when you can actually see the whole thing. “We’ve been trying to figure it out too,” he says. “I think it’s one of those designs where if you unfocus your eyes, you can see a hidden picture in the background.” Taking his suggestion, I tell him I see a picture of Freddy Adu. “You got it,” he says. “It’s just MLS’ way of saying thanks for signing with the league.”

31st minute: Razov if whistled for offside, although the play is close. Keough uses the telestrator to draw the offside line. The problem is, the line is as squiggly as a Tommy Flanagan polygraph test. Z cracks up at the horrific yellow line. “Finger paints!” he shouts in his best brain-damaged voice. “Finger paints!” Flick is also amused, now speaking in a Mike Myers British accent. “Hello, my name is Simon, and I like to make drawer-ings.”

33rd minute: Running like LaDanian Tomlinson, Damani Ralph fights through a hard Eddie Robinson tackle and finds himself in the open field on a breakaway. He hits a roller right at Onstad.

34th minute: Running like Jamal Lewis, Ralph fights through two tackles in the box, but Onstad rushes out to cut down the angle and stuff the shot. Chance after chance after chance for Chicago….the trend is becoming obvious.

35th minute: The Quakes spring a counter attack, but Manny Lagos is pulled down from behind by Andy Williams. Referee Brian Hall lets Williams off with a warning. Ty says it should have been a yellow. “I agree with Ty,” says Z-Man, causing the room to fall eerily silent. Flick and I stop breathing. The birds outside stop chirping. The TV mutes itself. “I can’t believe I just said those words,” says Z, breaking the silence and putting the world back in motion.

36th minute: Razov has the ball in the box. In full Razov-razzing mode, Z shouts “Pass it to Onstad! He’s open!” Razov’s shot is deflected and trickles right to Onstad.

37th minute: Zach Thornton is finally forced to make his first save of the game when he swats down Manny Lagos’ redirection of a Brian Mullan rocket. Thornton now has the most saves in MLS Cup history. “That save by Thornton has knocked Tony Meola out of the record books,” says JP. “That’s always a good thing,” says Flick. It is Zach’s second record-break feat of the day. At kickoff, Thornton surpassed Meola as the most physically imposing goalkeeper to ever start an MLS Cup.

38th minute: Gee, this wasn’t predictable. Despite being hammered all game, the Quakes go the length of the field in two passes and take a 2-0 lead on a Donovan goal. The ball gets cleared out of the box to Jamil Walker. Walker carries and then hits a streaking Baby Jesus, who blows past the Chicago defense and beats Thornton low to the near post. At the time that Walker makes his pass, the play is a 2-on-5 “break”, but the Quakes score anyway. As always, Donovan rips off his shirt in celebration. “I think Baby Jesus is a bit too eager to hug other men without his shirt on,” observes Flick.

39th minute: San Jose has had all of four opportunities in the first half. They have two goals. Chicago has had more chances to score than a Girls Gone Wild cameraman, yet they have a goose egg on the board. Soccer is a cruel game. This probably has something to so with those Soccer Gods I’ve heard so much about recently.

41st minute: We finally have our first classic Ty moment of the game. “Chicago might just want to do some damage control so they don’t give up another one.” This sets Z-Man off. “What the (bleep) are you talking about?!?!? They have been kicking San Jose’s (bleep)!!! Why should they suddenly STOP trying to score goals?!?!?!?”

Flick commiserates with Z. “Man, Ty is such a (bleep).”

I can’t believe it took 41 minutes for this to happen, but it feels like a burden has finally been lifted.

42nd minute: Discussing the goal by Baby Jesus, Waldo says that Donovan keeps it simple in front of the goal. He doesn’t try to do anything fancy. He doesn’t try to play it with the outside of his foot. We all immediately shout some variation of “No Yeagsin’ it in front of goal!”

(The verb “to Yeags” is a phrase that has become part of our collective vocabulary over the past couple of years. It is in honor of former Crew midfielder Todd Yeagley, who would often play the ball with the outside of his right foot rather than use his left. So during our own games, you’ll hear things like, “Did you see me Yeags that pass up the left sideline?” or “He just Yeagsed one off the far post” or “We’ve tried forcing him left but he’s been Yeagsin’ like a mutha.” This is seriously a standard vocabulary word in our group, and people who have never even seen Todd Yeagley play, who don’t even know its origin, understand what we mean when we say it. They just think it’s a soccer term, like “nutmeg” or “bicycle kick.”)

(Oh yeah, we even have the rarely-seen “Bizarro Yeags”, which is when someone plays the ball with the outside of their left foot rather than using their right.)

43rd minute: A blimp shot gives us an aerial view of the entire field. From this angle, I say it appears as though the grass has been mowed to make a Portland Trailblazers logo. “Bof’ teams played hard,” says Flick, which will now cause me to ramble off topic again.

(For most of you who have not have heard me breathlessly describe the Bof' Teams Played Hard press conference, I was flipping through the channels last spring when I came across ESPNews. They were going live to a press conference following Portland's playoff win against Dallas, I think. Having a keen sense for unintentional comedy, my remote finger stopped its involuntary flinching.

Portland’s Rasheed Wallace was apparently having some sort of feud with the media. He's sitting at the table with a teammate and the media starts firing away. The first reporter asks Rasheed a question. Rasheed rolls his eyes and says "Bof' teams played hard." And then...silence. That's his answer. Another reporter asks a more in-depth question involving game strategy. Rasheed mulls the question for a few moments, then replies, "Bof' teams played hard."

The reporters ask the teammate a question and he answers in great detail. The reporters then ask another in-depth question to Rasheed. "Bof' teams played hard." Back to the teammate for a valid response, then another question to Rasheed. "Bof' teams played hard."

Rasheed, why are you doing this? "Bof' teams played hard." Did the press do something to make you angry? "Bof’ teams played hard." Rasheed, are you just trying to focus on the next game? "Bof' teams played hard."

Then came the greatest moment EVER. I wish I knew who this person was, because he is my HERO. "Rasheed, do you feel that both teams played hard?"

Rasheed's dope-addled mind struggled to resolve this conundrum. If he says what he's been saying, he'll therefore answer the question. If he changes his answer, they'll have succeeded in getting him to change his answer. Decisions, descisions, decisions....

"Bof' teams played hard. Good night and God bless." Then he got up and walked away. I think he got fined $25,000 or something. Needless to say, I deem this one of the great moments in random channel flipping history.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, halftime.

***

Halftime begins with Waldo interviewing Donovan. Baby Jesus says all the right things, about the Quakes playing “badly” and “very poorly”, but that they “finished their chances” and Chicago “did not.”

And then Mr. Field Level Event Coordinator Man interrupts the interview! “Gotta clear. You’ve GOTTA CLEAR!” Waldo is smirking and laughing like a kid being chased off the lawn by a grumpy old neighbor. “We’re leavin’! We’re leavin’!” Only in MLS, folks. Only in MLS.

Next up is Daisy Fuentes, who is on the field to introduce the halftime entertainment. As she babbles something in Spanish, Z-Man asks one of the most profound questions ever posed in the annals of mankind’s relentless quest for knowledge. “Why is she wearing so many clothes?”

Due to her excessively anti-exhibitionist wardrobe, Flick’s eyes are now free to wander to outlying areas of her body, such as the area above her breasts, like her face and whatnot. It is there that he notices the enormous, deeply-tinted, square sunglasses she is wearing. “Did she steal those sunglasses from DeNiro at the end of Casino?” he wonders.

So Daisy introduces Michelle Branch, who proceeds to lip-sync one of her songs. We are all thrown into a state of confusion though. The kids hopping around in front of the stage are wearing “Branch 10” t-shirts. Yet, up on stage, Branch is wearing a skirt with the number 17 on the front. We conclude she must have been traded from another band, and a veteran musician in her current band already has #10, so she had to switch to #17.

Next up are the goal of the year finalists. All three were scored against the Crew. Carlos Ruiz’s bicycle kick, John Wolyniec’s volley, and Damani Ralph’s Stern Turn. All against the Crew. All in the final minutes or overtime. Funny, I was just thinking that my nuts could use a good kicking. Thanks ABC!

From there, it’s commercial time, and once again it’s time for the Beyonce Pepsi commercial. Flick reiterates that he’d definitely give Beyonce a go, but this time he admits that he’s not too keen on “getting Jay-Z’s sloppy seconds.” Z-Man nods. “So you’re not ready for that jelly.”

Back from commercial, it’s time for Rob Stone’s interview with Freddy Adu, the 14-yeard-old wunderkind who signed with MLS this past week. I kinda missed the interview because every time the camera was on Freddy, some moron sporting a DC United warm up and a New York Yankees cap kept leaning forward and waving at the camera. Then he pulled out his cell phone, so he could alert people that he was embarrassing himself on television by acting like a seven year old at Radio Shack when they have a video camera set up on display.

The next set of commercials includes one of the ever-popular “Real Men of Genius” ads from Bud Light. This particular ad features Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer. (“Everywhere a splish-splash!”) I hope, someday soon, that Bud Light debuts a new “Real Men of Genius” ad featuring Mr. Annoying Cell Phone Waving-At-The-Camera Jackass.

Before halftime concludes, Flick remembers that he needs to tell us a story. “The other day, my doorbell rings, so I open the front door and find two boys, maybe ten years old, on my front porch. I say, ‘What’s up fellas?’ The first kid asks me if I want to buy a pen for a quarter. So I say, ‘A pen? Where does the money go to? Is this for school?’ The kid says, ‘No, we want to buy a Playstation 2 game.’ So then I ask what game they’re gonna get. Is it a sports game? The kid says, ‘Nah. Probably an action game.’ Then his friend speaks up and says, ‘With our PS2, we got (some game) and it sucks. We’re going to trade it in and get a new game.’ I say, ‘So you’re just going house to house selling pens??? Is anybody buying them???’ The second kid says, ‘Not yet.’ So I gave them a dollar. At least they were honest. They could have fed me any line of BS they wanted, but they just came right out and said they were trying to sell me some crappy pens they found around the house so they could buy a video game. I’ll give ‘em a dollar for being that ballsy.”

***
Second Half

49th minute: It doesn’t take long for Chicago to finally break the seal. DaMarcus Beasley receives a sweet pass from Williams and beats Onstad inside the near post from an almost impossible angle. “That’s why Canada sucks!” yells Flick, just for the heck of it.

50th minute: While everybody is still celebrating the Chicago goal, Richard Mulrooney scores for San Jose to make it 3-1. Mulrooney runs onto a ball in space and Thornton awkwardly retreats back toward his own goal, positioning himself poorly in the process. Mulrooney easily slots it far post. Flick is amazed that the Fire could give up such a horrible goal at a crucial moment. “That’s so Crew-like!” he bemoans.

52nd minute: Flick is still amazed at the rapid turn of events with the two goals. “If you’re Chicago, that’s like banging a really hot chick and then having her husband walk in on you.”

54th minute: Another drastic turn of events! Afro-less Evan Whitfield smacks a cross into the box. Ralph, Onstad and Chris Roner go up for the ball. Roner deftly heads the ball into the back of his own net. Oops. The San Jose lead is now only 3-2. Roner has been on the field for all of three minutes and it’s already the longest day of his career.

55th minute: Roner & Agoos are in the San Jose backfield. “Great,” says Flick. “Now Roner & Agoos can swap own-goal stories.” (Referring to Agoos’ blistering own goal against Portugal in the 2002 World Cup.)

56th minute: After getting schooled in the box, Roner has no choice but to hack down Damani Ralph for a penalty. Roner has been on the field for all of five minutes and it’s already the longest day of his LIFE.

57th minute: Razov places the ball at the spot in preparation for the penalty kick that can tie the game. “C’mon Ante!” urges Z-Man. “Pass it to Onstad!” As if anyone couldn’t see this result coming a mile away, Razov hits a low shot toward the left post that is easily smothered by Onstad. “You know,” says Flick, “I think the two MVPs of this game are Roner for Chicago and Razov for San Jose.”

58th minute: Ty defends Razov’s shot, saying “the only thing he could have done better was place it high.”

“Or in the back of the net,” quips Z.

Waldo also disagrees with Ty, saying Razov telegraphed the shot. “Everyone in the stadium knew where the ball was going.”

Just then, Williams floats a ball into the box, which Razov lasers just wide.

“And Razov misses the wide open Onstad!” says Z, who is clearly on a roll with his Ante-bashing.

62nd minute: Marcelo Balboa conducts a sideline interview with Fire coach Dave Sarachan, which produces this classic exchange…

MB: “What do you need to do?”
DS: “We need to score another goal.”

63rd minute: Williams hits a cross into the San Jose area, which is headed out for a corner by Roner. “And Chicago continues to pick out their most dangerous aerial target, Chris Roner,” says Flick in his best announcer voice.

64th minute: A crowd shot of the Fire section reveals a man dressed as Elvis. Maybe Jerry Glanville left him a ticket.

68th minute: San Jose’s Troy Dayak commits a hand ball just outside the box. Flick is annoyed by Dayak’s super short sleeves. “Why does he roll his sleeves up like that?” wonders Flick. “Am I missing the cigarette box?” Z-Man posits that Dayak is trying to avoid awkward tan lines.

71st minute: Mullan plays the ball out to Dwayne DeRosario (yet another freakin’ Quakes Canuck!) on the right flank. DeRosario’s low cross finds the foot of Donovan who has beaten The Greatest American Hero, Jim Curtin, for inside position. Baby Jesus taps it past Thornton on the first touch to give the Quakes a 4-2 lead. Donovan keeps his shirt on for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t know DeRosario well enough to hug him without it.

76th minute: Another Ty moment! Keough claims that “San Jose showed they wanted to win early on. They were the first to the ball on many occasions.” Z is apoplectic. “No they weren’t! They got totally outplayed!” Flick attempts to console Z. “Yeah, I always love Ty’s revisionist history.”

79th minute: It is said that there are lies, damn lies and statistics. JP notes that Landon Donovan has scored on the only two shots he has taken, whereas Ante Razov is 0-for-7. This just goes to show that sometimes there are truths, damn truths and statistics.

80th minute: Jesse Marsch plays a ball into the San Jose box. Onstad scoops it up a split second before Roner undercuts him and lays him out. Flick has seen enough. “Man, if San Jose wins, Roner doesn’t deserve a ring.” (A harsh assessment to be sure. At this point my heart really goes out to Roner. I take solace in the fact that the Quakes are ten minutes from being crowned champions, so all will be forgotten. Bad days don’t seem so bad when you’re on the podium.)

82nd minute: An ABC promo hypes the fact that golfer Annika Sorenstam will become the first woman to play in the Skins Game. A million “skins game” jokes follow. “Man, when I was growing up, chicks always had to play shirts.”…”So those co-ed naked golf t-shirts from college are finally a reality”…etc.

82nd minute: Roner is toasted by Ralph again. This time the 2003 Rookie of the Year plays an easy pass across the open goalmouth to Razov, who only needs to tap it in from four yards away. He flubs it wide. The co-MVP movement for Roner & Razov is really picking up steam on this play.

83rd minute: Waldo chimes in and says that the great thing about Razov is that he “has the ability to forget about the last chance and focus on the next one.”

“Ronald Reagan has done less forgetting today,” I mumble.

84th minute: Ty attempts to help Razov out by mentioning he was sick this week. All he manages to do it set up Wynalda for the spike. “Razov had the flu earlier this week and he did not practice with the team on Thursday,” says Keough. “He’s probably not a hundred percent in terms of sharpness.”

“Well it’s showing today,” says Waldo without missing a beat.

86th minute: It’s time for another Ty special. This time it’s once again Z-Man doing the honors.

Ty: “Now we see what (San Jose’s) Brian Mullan brings to this team because he plays about three positions at the same time. Not only is Brian Mullan up there as a third forward many times, but we see him here coming back and being essentially a fifth defender and covering all of the ground in between.”

Z: “It’s called a midfielder, Ty.”

87th minute: Another crowd shot of the Fire section shows the aforementioned Elvis looking extremely dejected over his team’s impending loss.

“Man,” I say, “it looks like Elvis is trying to find a toilet to die on.”

“In his bunny slippers?” wonders Z.

91+ minute: Flick notes that Donovan hasn’t complained and whined and (bleeped) at the refs all day. We’re all amazed at how we overlooked this fact until now. I suppose it’s akin to a wide receiver not signaling first down after a third-down conversion. It’s become so commonplace that you almost don’t notice its absence.

92+ minute: JP mentions that most people had picked Los Angeles and Columbus to meet in the final. Amazingly enough, I was just thinking that my nuts could use yet another swift kick. Thanks, JP!

93+ minute: Ralph misses a wide-open header from six yards away. The Fire are determined to piss off their fans to the very end.

Game over! San Jose 4, Chicago 2. The Earthquakes win MLS Cup 2003. I am a frickin’ genius for having picked them. I should also mention that when I predicted San Jose 2-1, I misquoted myself. I meant “San Jose 2:1” as in a two-to-one ratio, which 4-2 certainly is. Man, I’m good. (Z is quick to point out that he picked the highest scoring game and that he called two goals before halftime. He is right on both counts. At least he saved face, unlike the others.)

***

Postgame

The first postgame interview is with Richard Mulrooney, who sounds as if the Quakes bypassed the champagne bottles in favor of helium balloons. Flick’s wife, who as been avoiding us like any sensible adult would, hears the interview and chimes in sight unseen from the kitchen.

“Who’s that?” she asks.

“Richard Mulrooney,” Flick shouts toward the kitchen.

“Nice voice,” she sardonically remarks.

They are married for a reason.

***

The next interview is with Quakes goalie Onstad, who is asked about the penalty kick save. We hear nothing after the first six words of his answer.

“I know Ante goes both ways,” says Onstad, as we all fall off the furniture in wild, spastic, tear-producing, gut-clenching, knee-slapping hysterics.

Is it any wonder Flick’s wife is hiding from us?

***

Donovan attempts a “Lambeau Leap” into the blue-clad Quakes section, yet he doesn’t make it all the way up and is being held up awkwardly in such a way that I half expect his arm to snap and his shoulder to come out of its socket. He can’t get up because the fans can’t pull him up and he can’t get down because the fans won’t let go of him.

“What the (bleep) is this (bleep)?” asks Flick. “Sad. Just sad. Totally (bleepin’) sad.”

***

Despite our wish for co-MVPs Ante Razov (San Jose) and Chris Roner (Chicago), the real award goes to Landon Donovan. For his two goal effort, he is awarded….some sort of…uhhh…

“Is that a blue vase?” asks an incredulous Z.

“Does he also get the flowers to put in it?” I wonder.

Flick rushes out of his chair, runs to a shelf, and then triumphantly holds a blue vase high into the air. Flick is our MVP.

Announcer: Bud Light presents real men of genius.

Singer: Real mean of genius!

Announcer: Today we salute you, Mr. Sit On Your (Bleep) And Talk (Bleep) Like The (Bleep) That You Are Man.

Singer: Mr. Sit On Your (Bleep) And Talk (Bleep) Like A (Bleep)!

Announcer: The same intellect that once got you an engineering degree is now used to administer lethal doses of cruel humor to fools and idiots alike.

Singer: I pity all the fools!

Announcer: With your backside planted firmly in the couch cushion, your acid tongue passes harsh judgment on those who have worked hard to accomplish their dreams.

Singer: Should work harder not to suck then!

Announcer: You preface your vicious barbs and asinine comments by claiming that you don’t mean to be a (bleep).

Singer: Doesn’t mean to be a (bleep) now!

Announcer: But you DO mean to be a (bleep), and with every (bleep)ish comment that comes blurting out of your foul mouth, our funny bones are tickled pink.

Singer: Cootchee-cootchee-coo yeah!

Announcer: So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, shaman of (bleep)-talking. When we suffer from penis envy, the (bleep) we envy is you.

Singer: Mr. Sit On Your (Bleep) And Talk (Bleep) Like The (Bleep) That You Are Man.

Freeze on Flick’s triumphant, vase hoisting image and fade to black.

Questions? Comments? Know if Australians refer to Canada as “America’s New Zealand”? Feel free to write at sirk@columbuswired.net