Mullet Hunting at the Ohio State Fair
 

By Steve Sirk
Columbus Wired Columnist
Photos by Tim Morgan
9/14/02

The 2002 Ohio State Fair was, as always, a petri dish of peculiarities: butter bovines, deep fried candy bars, racing pigs and trained professionals that shovel dirt over cow pee for a living. Fairgoers could ride any number of midway attractions, including this year’s headline garnering ride, The Poorly Assembled Civilian Launcher Of Doom. For those with disdain for the “whirl & puke & hospitalization” rides, there was an authentic helicopter flight that cost twice as much a street corner liaison, but lasted half as long. Then there were the shows. Jugglers, hypnotists, juggling hypnotists, hypnotized jugglers and everything in between.

For the competitive fairgoer, the obvious attractions were the midway games, in which one could have engaged in any number of skillful pursuits (shooting miscalibrated bb guns and/or overinflated basketballs) to win a limitless array of dazzling prizes that all happened to be some stuffed variation of Sponge Bob Square Pants. (Well, except for those totally bitchin’ cardboard-framed mirrors with liquor brands or bikini models on them.)

But for the true sportsman, the State Fair is the time of year in which one can nobly engage in the Sport of Kings: mullet hunting.

Ah, the mullet. A hairstyle that’s short on top, long in the back. Hockey Hair. The Kentucky Waterfall. The Ape Drape. The Shlong. The Camaro Cut. The official hairstyle of the television show “Cops.”

While you can certainly come across mullets in your daily life, especially if you frequent full-service gas stations, the State Fair is a veritable mullet convention. Like a moth to a streetlight, a deer to a saltlick or a dog nose to a dog butt, the mullethead is inexorably and instinctively drawn to the blinking lights, the gurgling of fry oil and the drama of a hotly contested tractor pull.

Sure, mullet hunting at the state fair is, in terms of difficulty, as challenging as shooting a dead fish in an empty barrel with a stench-seeking missile. Nevertheless, it makes for an entertaining afternoon amongst friends. Ridiculing dreadful hairstyle choices is one of the last politically correct artificial ego boosters left, what with the sudden backlash against deceptively overinflating stock prices and all.

My hunting group included my college roommate Jay Meno and my friends Tim & Stephanie Morgan. The four of us worked as a team. Jay, Steph & myself would seek out worthy targets. We would then notify Tim, who was expertly manning the digital camera. Sometimes Tim could surreptitiously snap a photo. On other occasions, one of us would need to pose for a picture near the target, while Tim snapped a photo just off to our right or left, capturing the mullet without betraying the faintest hint of our intentions. (I’m assuming the paparazzi operate in the same manner. Paul McCartney probably thought nothing of helicopters taking pictures of other helicopters as they hovered over his wedding.)

As you look through the following photo gallery, please keep in mind that these photos were taken by trained professionals. It is highly recommended that one becomes properly licensed before brazenly snapping photos at trailer parks, auto shows or Pittsburgh Steelers games, lest you suddenly find yourself living in that Lynyrd Skynyrd song where the “fella with the hair colored yella” pees himself because the guy who was “lean and mean and big and bad” was pointing that gun at him for taking a picture of his girlfriend Linda Lou’s she-mullet. Or however it went.

On to the photos!

That triple play of cool...a mullet, shades, and a bicep tattoo!	Not technically a mullet, but if you're going fishing for bass, and you hook a perfectly good walleye, you don't throw it back, do you?
A camouflaged mullet voraciously attacking its prey.	Nice form...good curls in the back.
I just KNOW this dude has a Camaro...	Camaro dude is worth another look...
A mullet/mustache combo with a distinguishing touch of grey...	Might be a little long on top to technically be a mullet, but the style points for the cig warrant inclusion.
Another camouflaged mullet voraciously attacking it's prey. In the case, a hangnail.	Again, technically not a mullet, but freakish nonetheless. Furthermore, this guy did not move all day. We saw him several hours later still there.
Some two-tone action...	In a blurry fast-paced world, it's true Mullet Love that's the focus.
Permed perfection!	Words fail me.
This child will fall victim to Male Pattern Mullet.	We conclude with this two-tone mullet, which I swear was captured on film at last year's state fair. This dude is in our catch & release program.