JULY 21-  Yankees owner George Steinbrenner refutes allegations that he and the Yankees are bad for the game.  “I am committed to winning,” says Steinbrenner. “Yankee Excellence™ is the reason 13 million people call the New York area home. Maybe if the small market teams didn’t suck so bad, millions of people would move to Ass Scratch, USA, enabling these lame teams to sign $60 million local broadcast agreements.”
 

JULY 22-  Steinbrenner scoffs at the notion that the Yankees can purchase whatever they want, whenever they want it.
 

JULY 23-  Leading the Cleveland Indians by three runs in the 9^th inning at Jacobs Field, the Yankees trade for Indians closer Bob Wickman.  “Mariano Rivera blew a 3-run lead last time we were here,” says manager Joe Torre.  “We figured we could get a fresh arm in Wickman. It’s not like there’s been any leads for him to protect in Cleveland lately.”  After jogging out of the home bullpen and closing out the feeble Tribe 1-2-3, Wickman is returned to the Indians.  The move trims $24,392.85 from the Indians’ budget.
 

JULY 24- Before facing Ryan Drese of the Indians, the Yankees temporarily trade for Jim Thome, who grants a one-day waiver of his no-trade clause.  “Looking through the numbers, lefties are hitting .322 and slugging .545 against Drese,” says Torre.  “Thome gives us another quality left-handed bat.”  After hitting 3 HRs as the Yankees’ DH, Thome is returned to the Indians. Tribe GM Mark Shapiro laments “under the current system, teams are compelled to take the $50,000 in payroll relief provided by the one-day loan of a Jim Thome to the Yankees.”
 

JULY 27- Amidst rumors that the Detroit Tigers are under financial distress, team owner Mike Illitch issues a terse denial. "Absolute rubbish! The Tigers, and myself, have never been in better financial shape," Ilitch says, while picking 30% of the toppings off of each Little Caesar's pizza before it goes into the oven.

 

JULY 28- The players’ union files a grievance over the newly-erected signs at the entrance to the players’ parking lot at Detroit’s Comerica Park, which read, “Player Parking- $2,500.”
 

JULY 31-  In a flurry of activity at the trade deadline, the Yankees acquire Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson, Sammy Sosa, Curt Schilling, Scott Rolen, Pedro Martinez, and Mike Piazza. They also acquire Albert Belle, who is being paid $13 million per year on a guaranteed contract despite being unofficially retired due to a degenerative hip condition.  The trade for Belle raises a few eyebrows, but Steinbrenner says “we had $13 million laying around and no room on the roster for an active superstar. It was a perfect fit.”  
 

AUGUST 1-  Derek Jeter,  Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada, Roger Clemens, Mike Mussina, David Wells, Robin Ventura, and Raul Mondesi report to the AAA Columbus Clippers.
 

AUGUST 3-  Tampa Bay Devil Rays players spend the morning fishing coins out of mall fountains so that the club can afford to launder their uniforms before their game that evening against the White Sox.
 

AUGUST 6-  In a nationally published non-confidential poll,  a majority of players surveyed agree that steroid testing is needed to protect the integrity of the game and its players.
 

AUGUST 8-  In a nationally published anonymous poll, a majority of players surveyed say that steroid testing is “an invasion of privacy.”
 

AUGUST 9-  The New England Journal of Medicine publishes a report that states that the signs of steroid abuse include acne on the back, shrunken genitals, and “a penchant for contradicting one’s self.”
 

AUGUST 14-  The day before an impending strike, fans boycott major league games.  Average attendance for the day is 27,483. “Yeah, I sat in a luxury box and ate beluga caviar and drank damn near an entire bottle of unpronounceable but expensive wine,” boasts a fan at Camden Yards.  “But it’s okay because my company paid for all of it. Boob Selig and all those jerks didn’t get a single penny out of my pocket! You gotta hit these guys where it hurts.”
 

AUGUST 15-  With collective bargaining at an impasse and each side running out of lawyers, Bud Selig declares labor negotiations a tie. The players go on strike.  Eternally banished Pete Rose offers his unsolicited opinion on the matter. “If you treat negotiations like an exhibition, making sure every lawyer gets to file a brief, then this is what you get,” Rose says. “In my day, negotiations were a war. I remember Marvin Miller out-negotiating Bowie Kuhn so hard that it ended Kuhn’s career, much like my All-Star collision with Ray Fosse, which was certainly of a Hall-of-Fame caliber.”
 

AUGUST 18- With nothing better to do while on strike, Phillies players try to bait 76ers star Allen Iverson into getting arrested again. “We need a good house party,” says one bored Phillie.
 

AUGUST 23-  ESPN debuts its newest 2-hour nightly show, Water Polo 2Night.  “Christ, we showed a lot of baseball,” mutters Steve Risser, ESPN’s Vice-President of Programming.
 

AUGUST 27-  Pete Rose says that baseball will need to do something to bring the fans back if/when the strike ever ends.  “If there was ever a time to restore the game’s integrity by admitting me into the Hall of Fame, this would be it,” says Rose. “Baseball has been persecuting its Hit King for much too long without a shred of evidence against me.”  When it’s pointed out that baseball produced a report over 100 pages in length that detailed every last phone call and betting slip, Rose says, “I haven’t seen any evidence. They should show it to me.”  When the Dowd Report is handed to him, he tosses it aside and says “Yeah, but I’m Pete Rose. I had 4,256 hits.”
 

AUGUST  31-  Sixteen days after the strike began, the players and owners agree on a new labor deal. Under terms of the agreement, revenue sharing is finally a reality. All teams will be required to share 100% of their revenues with the Yankees, who buy Major League Baseball.   The players are victorious in their battle over steroid testing.
 

SEPTEMBER 1-  Players report back to their teams. Players gain an average of 13.4 pounds in muscle mass during the strike, which is attributed to “lots of extra time to work out.”
 

OCTOBER 30-  After fast-forwarding past a bunch of “pennant races” and “playoffs”, which are all just menial tasks designed to determine which team will be served up to the Yankees as a sacrificial lamb, I find myself looking at game seven of the World Series.  With the Yankees leading the Dodgers 23-0 in the 4^th inning, thanks in no small part to a no-hitter by Pedro and two grand slams apiece by Bonds and Sosa,  the New York sky opens up and lets loose with a torrential downpour. And there, all wet as usual, is Bud Selig, shrugging his shoulders and declaring the 2002 World Series a tie.