Men:

While attending the debacle known as the Blue Jackets vs. Blues hockey game on December 28th, there was a keen amount of attention paid to anything broadcast on the JumboTron that did not involve The Blues scoring yet another goal. During one of these times, I had an epiphany of sorts.

That particular night this included the umpteenth fake “Blue Jackets Trivia” contest where a couple “competed” for a “prize pack” that would eventually end in a ham-fisted marriage proposal in front of 18,000 strangers.

That night, the crowed booed. And rightly so. I imagine that there will soon be enough proposals at public sporting events to be able to publish success rates for said marriages. When the divorce rate is approximately 800% higher for these couples, no one will be the least bit surprised.

For the men that are still somewhat surprised that this is a bad idea, I would present a mini “Moron’s Guide To Proposing.”

When you’re finally ready to pop the question, try to think over the way you’ve dated. Ask these seven simple questions:

1. Did we ever date on the JumboTron?
2. Did we share our first kiss on the JumboTron?
3. Did I meet her family on the JumboTron?
4. Did we share our first intimate moments on the JumboTron?
5. Did we get in our first fight on the JumboTron?
6. Did she shed her first tears in front of me on the JumboTron?
7. Has she ever said anything to the effect of “the most romantic thing we ever did together was on the JumboTron?”

If you are unable to answer “yes” to all seven of the above questions, you should not even consider proposing to her at a hockey game (or any other sporting event) on the JumboTron.

Let’s say by some fluke that you are able to answer “yes” to all of the above questions. Unless you’ve heard your beloved say, “I’ve always believed that the most romantic proposal ever would be at a Hockey Game during a fake trivia contest with a day-glow mascot waiting in the wings to give me a gift packet from a local jewelry store,” it’s still not a good idea.

Myth #1: Proposing on the JumboTron is different. No, it’s not. It happens every game.

Myth #2: Proposing in front of a crowd shows how much I care about her. Not even close. All it does is put as much pressure on her to say “yes” and save the humiliating “you don’t even know me, how could I even think about marrying you” break-up speech for the car-ride home.

Myth #3: This will be something we tell our grandkids about. Well, this one is half-true, as you may be telling your actual grandkids about the first time grandpa got married and why you should have known it was going to go horribly wrong from the moment you called to see what it would take to propose on the JumboTron.

I understand that you might be at a loss for how to propose at this moment, what with the JumboTron idea not looking so good right now. First of all, proposing is something that should be special and should mean a lot to the both of you.

Let’s say your first date was a hockey game. Well, there are countless restaurants in the Arena District – many with a full view of the arena. Get dressed up, spring for a good bottle of wine and propose over dinner. Tell her you’re picking her up to go to a hockey game, but arrive with her favorite flowers and the ring at her door – be forewarned, she may want to “celebrate” in lieu of going to the hockey game.

Let’s say your first date was not a hockey game. Well, the playing field is wide open. Go for a romantic walk and have a candlelight picnic dinner waiting in a clearing. Take her out for an evening of her favorite things and propose just when she thinks that the evening is over. Heck, get a dozen roses and drop to one knee in the middle of the living room.

Remember, public is not always better. The same JumboTron that is used to replay brutal fights on the ice should not be the one you use to profess undying love.

If you do it privately, she’ll thank you, you’ll thank yourself, and the fans will thank you for not making us sit through yet one more of these awful pubic displays.

Thank you,
A Woman on Behalf of All Women