|
James Bond’s twentieth. By now we all know what to expect. From the
fantastic opening sequence to the Bond women to the gadgets to the
over-the-top villain to the inevitable “Bond, James Bond”
introduction – we love it and we always come back for more.
The question that remains to be answered in all Bond films is the
same – just how will it be different this time? One would think that
there would be a rather finite supply of super villains looking to
destroy all in existence, but not in the world of 007. It’s like
wishing that a certain purchasing manager would, say, disappear
forever – you want to believe that a kinder more benevolent
purchasing manager would take their place. But we know the
reality…either an equally or more evil purchasing manager will rise
up and take hold in their old cubicle. It’s the same thing in the
world of Bond.
We learn new things about Bond in this movie. He surfs. He has a
regular room at a luxurious Hong Kong Hotel. It is possible to hold
Bond in the squalor of a Northern Korean prison camp.
Oh, you didn’t think Bond could be held prisoner? Well, just how
then did you think that he would meet his enemy who is Korean but
doesn’t look Korean due to a top secret DNA-switching medical
facility located in Cuba that was also under investigation by a CIA
operative named Jinx (played by Halle Berry, much to husband’s
delight) that pays homage to Ursula Andress’ bikini scene from her
Bond girl days? Are you with me so far? Did I mention Zao, the
henchman with illegal diamonds embedded in his face that fits in so
nicely at the temporary ice hotel designed to house and show off the
fake sun launched in secret as a simple satellite that will be used
to saw North and South Korea in half? Perhaps I lost you along the
way when I failed to mention that Bond was temporarily no longer an
agent but was freed by M who believed in his innocence but was
forced to pretend that he escaped from the high-tech British medical
prison.
Yes, yes, the plot is convoluted, but if it weren’t for all of that,
we’d actually start to question the villain. Well, I had some time
on my hands, and I’ve decided that the next Bond film must deal with
some serious Human Resources issues.
Let’s take our super-villain in Die Another Day. He’s Korean, fights
with Bond, survives certain death and is able to completely alter
his genetic makeup in order to reinvent himself in a few years as a
psudo-British billionaire playboy diamond mogul. One would think
that this high-profile lifestyle would be vengeance enough. BUT NO.
He invents “Icarus,” a second sun that will be used as a giant
weapon. All of these things take a certain amount of genius. Sure,
it’s evil genius, but genius nonetheless.
So, how does a guy that is able to accomplish all of this fail so
miserably in the hiring of henchmen department? Seriously, don’t you
think that you could put together at least one decent set of
interview questions during some down-time during the launch of his
super-weapon. I mean, they made a point of saying this guy only
slept one hour a night as part of the plot. There must be some time
to come up with a better interview process. In lieu, I propose some
basic questions:
· Can you simply kill someone with a gun on my orders?
· Can you still carry out this plan in the event that the intended
victim is either incredibly attractive and/or charming?
· Can you still carry out the kill order with a gun EVEN if you’re
surrounded by high-tech toys that may or may not involve lasers?
· Did any of your prior employers provide you with a dental plan
that allowed for simple cleanings?
· In the event that we don’t pick you as a candidate because of your
incredibly unique physical oddity, do you have any equally evil
brothers, sisters or cousins that would be interested in a position
here?
Seriously, there must be a way to get quality help, even if you’re
evil. I hear many nice, qualified people worked at Enron…they may
have issues to work out and would make a nice fit in the ultra-evil
organization.
The Usual:
What it’s Worth: This depends on how you view the Bond movies. For
those that love them, it’s worth full-fare. Otherwise, wait for the
HBO multi-view and realize that your film-watching soul is dead for
not being able to enjoy this kind of movie.
Main Reason To See This Film: It’s Bond – it means everything exudes
cool and sexy (save the henchmen). There are also cool stunts and,
although inferior to his prior BMWs, a fun new car for James is
brought into the picture.
Main Reason Not To See This Film: Madonna makes a cameo. She is
nearly enough to ruin any film she appears in – she wears a tight
pseudo-dominatrix leather outfit. This does not improve her
performance or appearance at all. Someone must warn Guy Ritchie that
she is the succubus that will ruin his career.
MPAA Rating: PG-13
|
